tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8767054367467233621.post4690791482722198512..comments2023-04-14T05:07:22.714-07:00Comments on Bonnie Humbarger Lamer - Help Write My Book Page: Section 1 of Who Are You? by Bonnie Humbarger LamerUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger13125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8767054367467233621.post-27921156448397137992011-06-30T13:34:04.264-07:002011-06-30T13:34:04.264-07:00Nope, not offended at all. Keep the critiquing co...Nope, not offended at all. Keep the critiquing coming! I'll go back and take a look at it. I may have gone a bit overboard shortening my sentences after an earlier critique that they were too long. There's a happy medium in there somewhere. :-)Bonnie Humbarger Lamerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15876761545627261807noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8767054367467233621.post-66879835650392153672011-06-28T13:10:13.027-07:002011-06-28T13:10:13.027-07:00Sorry , but as i read the second time the beggini...Sorry , but as i read the second time the beggining ....i think it's too much of "he" .The Daydreamerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08713712359582230869noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8767054367467233621.post-14638598359356304582011-06-28T13:00:14.335-07:002011-06-28T13:00:14.335-07:00Maybe you should elaborate more the sentences.They...Maybe you should elaborate more the sentences.They seem a little too short...I feel like i'm reading statements instead of frazes.<br /><br />(Hope i didn't offend you, and if i did...Sorry!)The Daydreamerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08713712359582230869noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8767054367467233621.post-82355180391436957122011-06-17T17:29:01.825-07:002011-06-17T17:29:01.825-07:00Hi Bonnie,
I just read Chapter 1 and it looks g...Hi Bonnie,<br /><br /> I just read Chapter 1 and it looks good. I love reading this following "Hearts on the Run" It will be nice to learn Max's story.DisneyMomhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09813021453713585407noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8767054367467233621.post-67857604713981093242011-06-16T07:36:00.302-07:002011-06-16T07:36:00.302-07:00Check out the latest changes!Check out the latest changes!Bonnie Humbarger Lamerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15876761545627261807noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8767054367467233621.post-34266706347371974442011-06-15T11:28:15.330-07:002011-06-15T11:28:15.330-07:00I'm not at all offended. I love it! I'll...I'm not at all offended. I love it! I'll choose honesty over an attempt to spare my feelings any day. Besides, I'm pretty thick skinned when it comes to constructive criticism. My feelings aren't easily hurt.<br /><br />This is turning out to be one of my greatest writing experiences. I haven't done this with any of my other books. It's fun interacting with readers during the writing process, and I'm getting really good ideas. <br /><br />I've found I like hearing the criticism now as opposed to reading it in a review down the road - after the book is published. I can fix it now! It's also a good feeling that readers want to invest their valuable time and energy into this. I don't think there's a greater compliment as an author than knowing people are interested in what you write!Bonnie Humbarger Lamerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15876761545627261807noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8767054367467233621.post-5644402691358364672011-06-15T10:35:44.845-07:002011-06-15T10:35:44.845-07:00Whew. I'm glad you're okay with my comment...Whew. I'm glad you're okay with my comments. I sure didn't want to offend you! It's hard to see our tendencies in our own writing, so you're doing the right thing by having other people take a look. Besides, in the end, it's your book and you can always decide you like what you've written better than what someone else suggested!Sandra Nachlingerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16906884446237370105noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8767054367467233621.post-22085559723608637112011-06-15T09:44:57.969-07:002011-06-15T09:44:57.969-07:00Nice feedback, Sandy, thank you! I like that you&...Nice feedback, Sandy, thank you! I like that you're getting down to the nitty-gritty of the editing details. I'll go back through and look more carefully at verb tense and also work on shortening up some sentences.Bonnie Humbarger Lamerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15876761545627261807noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8767054367467233621.post-92035454663682428982011-06-15T08:14:48.709-07:002011-06-15T08:14:48.709-07:00I just read chapter one and like where you're ...I just read chapter one and like where you're going. Really sexy. However, here are a few observations.<br /><br />Do a check for "was" and "were" (passive)and replace with more active, descriptive verbs. Also, shorten long sentences.<br />Example #1: <br />The foyer and hallway WERE empty but a cacophony of voices WAS coming [came] from the main rooms increasing the ache that had already started in his temples from his meeting with one of the defense attorneys, or the shrew as he liked to call her, this afternoon. <br />Maybe: A cacophony of voices echoed through the empty foyer, increasing the ache in his temples caused by that afternoon's meeting with The Shrew, his least favorite defense attorney.<br />Example #2: Her skin WAS a creamy alabaster that almost glowed against the black lacy bra....<br />Maybe: Her alabaster skin almost glowed against the black lacy bra ....<br />Also, try to avoid adverbs ending in LY. They're awkward to read. Read your sentences out loud and you'll see what I mean. <br />Instead of "he said admonishingly" maybe just: he admonished.<br />Instead of "Max rebuked good naturedly" maybe show is good nature through an action tag:<br />Max said, his rebuke softened with a grin.<br /><br />I hope this is the kind of feedback you want and that it doesn't hurt your feelings in any way. I like what you've written.Sandra Nachlingerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16906884446237370105noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8767054367467233621.post-13122225463699877632011-06-13T08:14:56.779-07:002011-06-13T08:14:56.779-07:00I love it!! I'm glad my advice helped!!!I love it!! I'm glad my advice helped!!!Jessica (Peace Love Books)https://www.blogger.com/profile/12509259925429901884noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8767054367467233621.post-23894880478757444502011-06-13T07:30:25.738-07:002011-06-13T07:30:25.738-07:00I've made the recommended changes that I have ...I've made the recommended changes that I have received so far on part 1 and have reposted it. I love the feedback I have been getting!Bonnie Humbarger Lamerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15876761545627261807noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8767054367467233621.post-89191222450230055522011-06-12T09:31:33.543-07:002011-06-12T09:31:33.543-07:00Jessica, great ideas - I love it! I'm going t...Jessica, great ideas - I love it! I'm going to go ahead and make those changes. Thank you for the feedback and keep the ideas coming. I'll also post the next part of the chapter so you can get to the really steamy part... ;-)Bonnie Humbarger Lamerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15876761545627261807noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8767054367467233621.post-22492403793251045792011-06-11T18:21:17.177-07:002011-06-11T18:21:17.177-07:00What?? Why did you end there!!!! It was getting so...What?? Why did you end there!!!! It was getting so good!! Okay, but here's what I have to say so far...<br /><br />1. When "the shrew" is first mentioned, it just says that they work together, not really how though. Is she the boss, the associate, what? I think that might need a little more info, unless you want to keep the relationship more in the dark.<br />2. Maybe describe some what Max actually looks like. I haven't read any other books, so I don't know what he looks like, so you could add some more description of him in the first paragraph when he puts his hat on and goes into the party. <br />3. I think you say that it's Jack and Abby's halloween party a little later than you should because I was like, woah, it's their party? So maybe say that it's their house earlier on<br />4. When Max says "thank goodness Friday is the day the cleaning lady came" when he takes bat girl to his apartment, I think he would probably say "Thank God" because it's more his personality than "goodness" in my opinion! (sorry, it's a little nit-picky detail...)<br /><br />That's what I have for you! I hope that helped! I really really like it! It's so steamy, well that's what I think, and I really got into reading it that it was over way too soon! Can't wait for more!Jessica (Peace Love Books)https://www.blogger.com/profile/12509259925429901884noreply@blogger.com